Why do fools fall in love?

Fear

2007-04-01T23:51:00.000-05:00

Plain and simple, I'm scared. I don't know what to do with my life. What's the plan? I got asked yet again today what I'm going to do with my life, and if I'd had the guts to be honest my answer would have been a resounding - I HAVE NO CLUE! NOW DO US BOTH A FAVOR AND LEAVE ME THE F*CK ALONE! I'd love it right now if someone would just clue me in on what exactly happens now. Ten and a half months and I still feel lost. I've always hated the story of Alice in Wonderland but right now I definitely feel like Alice scared, dazed, confused, and very, very, very, extremely lost. Someone explain this to me please. Any and all advice is accepted. I think this is the best place for this because I don't have to seen anyone face to face. Frankly, my emotional state is not one where I can face anyone directly and not rip faces off despite the fact that I'm asking for it.

Learning to Live Again

2007-02-08T01:12:00.000-06:00

I burned my hand, I cut my face
Heaven knows how long it's been
Since I've felt so out of place
I'm wonderin' if I'll fit in

Debbie and Charley said they'd be here by nine
And Deb said she might bring a friend
Just my luck, they're right on time
So here I go again

I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see
That learning to live again is killing me

Little cafe, table for four
But there's just conversation for three
I like the way she let me get the door
I wonder what she thinks of me

Debbie just whispered, "You're doin' fine"
And I wish that I felt the same
She's asked me to dance, now her hand's in mine
Oh, my god, I've forgotten her name

But I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see
That learning to live again is killing me

Now here we are beneath her porch light
And I say what a great time it's been
A kiss on the cheek, a whisper goodnight
And I say, "can I see you again"

And she just smiles her best smile
And she laughs like it's going out of style
Looks into my eyes and says, "We'll see"
Oh this learning to live again is killing me
God this learning to live again is killing me

- Garth Brooks

Once upon a time, I fell in love with an angel. She brought a light to my life that one else had ever brought before. Then, out of no where she realized I loved her and she walked away just as quickly as she had entered my life. There's another song that embodies the feeling better than this one called "You're Gone." It says, "The good news is I'm better for the time we spent together, the bad news is you're gone." I chose to blog about this one instead because I think it fully expresses my mentality right now. I feel really weird inside. I'm opening up. I have new friends. Wanted or unwanted, I'm attracting male attention, but my only thought is on her and the fact that I don't want to let go of what little I have left from that wonderful time in my life. I truly feel that "learning to live again" is going to kill me. It definitely doesn't help that she seems to be popping up more and more lately. One of my new coworkers has her name, both first and last. If I find out they share a middle name, I'm going to just go ahead and quit while I'm ahead. The last three times I've voice dialed the phone has gone to her name instead of the person I intended. And I've had the creepy feeling in my gut that I'm about to be blindsided. I'm hoping it will be quick and painless. Plain and simple I miss her eventhough I know I shouldn't. I have a million rational, well thought out reasons not to want her anywhere with in a hundered feet of me, but I still want to know that she's okay. If only there was a way to know that and still be far away and under the radar.

Failure

2006-12-07T23:39:00.000-06:00

Never before have I felt like such a complete and utter failure. Everything is up in the air including my very future and I don't know how to deal with it. There are too many decisions to be made. I'm not built to deal with this stuff. I'm beginning to think that maybe D was right all along. I am weak. I am vulnerable.

To some this may not mean anything. To me it does. I was brought up to believe that weakness is the worst quality you can have. I don't know about anything anymore. I just want everything to be "normal" again. I want to know who I am, I want to know the truth. Unfortunately, the truth refuses to reveal itself. Right now my honest inclination is just to quit.

Moments

2006-10-24T22:57:00.000-05:00

There are moments in life that are just to significant not to note, but also so significant that they are impossible to place an emotion on.

Tonight, I had the unexpected opportunity to spend some time with D. and some friends. The world didn't crash down around me. I was in no way expecting her to be there, and was terrified when I suddenly found myself in this situation. I even text message a friend to call me. I was hoping the call would give me an opportunity to escape.

I think I was even more scared because the last few days I felt so much better. I've been at peace and have really had the resolve to not allow the hope of her return to paralyse my life. I was scared that having her there would make my resolve crumble. The amazing thing is it didn't. She was just as fake and shut off as she's been for the last half a year, and I have not shed a tear. I haven't even had the urge to cry.

I will welcome her with open arms if she comes back, but I will no longer spend every moment allowing her to control me through her little whims.

Alcohol and Broken Hearts

2006-10-23T04:59:00.000-05:00

All I shall say about this past weekend, is it involved a great deal of alcohol. (I promise there is a valid reason this happened.) Sobriety brings realization. This weekend I ached as I knew I would. There was a bittersweet tinge to hearing from you know who, but I think I needed it. I'm not ready to give up hope yet, but I do think I've hit the point where I'm pretty sure (I won't say 100% lest I jinx it) where I won't jump everytime the phone rings thinking it may her.

This morning after warning my grandmother (Long Story and few would understand), I actually turned off my phone. I kept it off until about six o'clock. The world did not come to an arupt halt, and I can proudly say that when I turned it back on, I did not frantically search missed calls just in case she had called while it was off.

I'm not sure at what point this happened. Friday night I thought I may find myself having to face her and was freaking out, later on that night I even cried. Then somehow, I was able to turn off my phone today.

I guess I've just hit the point where I feel like focusing on what I do have and not on what I don't. As the song says, "I'm going to smile my best smile, and I'm going to laugh like it's going out of style." I have to continue living. I cannot let myself deprive myself of pleasure. It is not a betrayal to enjoy the company of others. I'm the one that got dumped by the waste side, and I need to pull myself back together.

Hope remains, but I will no longer allow that hope to paralyze me.

Dilemma

2006-10-11T17:51:00.000-05:00

I find myself in a bit of a dilemma at the moment. It of course involves D. Since the falling out, I have done my best to leave her alone as much as possible except for the occasional moment of weakness or for special occasions. However, at the moment it is very hard not to pick up the phone and call her.

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I need to call her. I can't shake the feeling that she is somehow in trouble or going through something and that she needs me. (You may be thinking she'd call YOU if she NEEDED you, but the woman has just as much pride if not more than I do. It would take an act of God for this to occur.) At the same time, I don't feel like being socked in the gut again. (She can get rather cranky at times.)

A mutual friend has reinforced for me the need to just leave it alone more than once. He assures me that the day that she realizes that the people she's pushed out of her life are the people that have loved and still love her most, the people that although annoyed and irritated by her behavior will love her forever, she will come back. This resounds with what I have reasoned out to be the best course of action. The problem is this - MY GUT.

When this all started, I knew deep down inside that something was wrong. I allowed the well reasoned arguments of others to convince me that I was overreacting, that nothing was wrong. Something quite obviously was wrong. Part of me can't help but wonder if everything would be okay now if I had just listened to my instincts again.

What if this is God giving me what I've prayed for? (Not that she'd be in trouble, but that I'd have the opportunity to get her back in my life.) What if I blow it by letting reason convince me not to say anything to her? What if I'm supposed to pick up the phone? What if I'm supposed to send that E-mail? What if I don't and I lose the one chance to get one of the best friends God has ever blessed me with back?

Another friend and I discussed fate vs. free will the other day. Are things destined to be or do we determine them through free willed actions? My take has always been that they work together. Fate is the right opportunity at the right time. Free will taking adavantage of said opportunity. I told my friend the lottery ticket story to illustrate my point:

A man really wanted to win the lottery. He could do a world of good and help a ton of people with the money. He prayed for the opportunity every night and never won the lottery. Upon his death, he asked God why he hadn't one the lottery. God's response was, "Son, you never bought a lottery ticket."

That's my worry now. Is this my opportunity? Am I blowing it? Is contacting her right now like buying that lottery ticket?

I just don't know what to do. Do I call her or do I continue to just leave her alone and hope that she comes to me?

Darkness

2006-10-08T22:18:00.000-05:00

I can feel it setting in, slowly creeping towards me. I'm afraid, but I'm also proud. I don't want to admit my fear to anyone. What good does it do? All it does is make people run away from you. Even the people who promised to always be there, the people that said they loved you run when the going appears to be getting tough.

I went for ice cream today. Of course this would be where avoidance becomes impossible. Pulling into the parking lot - her car. I'm glad I didn't see her. Just knowing she was near brought me pain, I don't think I would have been able to handle having her in front of me without losing it.

Why do people do that? What joy can be brought by watching another person suffer? By knowing that you are inflicting pain on another human being? People fear the dark. They run when they see you struggling, but they definitely come just close enough to kick you in the gut every chance they get.

I don't understand things anymore. I guess I finally understand what the word tired truly means.

What am I supposed to do?

2006-10-04T21:59:00.000-05:00

Why do I feel the way I do? I am surrounded by people, but I feel completely and utterly alone. I have met some wonderful people, but I still miss the one person I don't have anymore. I don't know why I just can't get over it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

I put up a facade of strength, but on the inside I am weaker and more scared than ever. I'm just even more scared to show my weakness. I don't feel strong enough to lose anymore people. I'm scared that if I let my new friends know how I truly feel, they'll see me as some sort of dramatist. I'm scared that they'll run away.

I feel inconsequencial. I'm having trouble seeing where I'm supposed to be, and what I'm supposed to be doing. Do I really make a difference in this world? Everything's wrong. Nothing fits. I just really want to go home right now. There has to be something better than this out there. I wish I could back in time. Once upon a time, I knew who I was and I was happy. I don't know who I am anymore, and I don't know what to do to get back to that place.

I love you.

2006-09-22T02:59:00.000-05:00

I just want you to know that I do indeed love you. You'll never know how much. You may notice a change in things in the coming days, weeks, and months. Do not for one instant think that the change means I no longer love you.

I have simply made the decision to be the person you once loved. You may have never loved me in the way I love you, but once upon a time you did love me. I was your friend, your confidant, your ally. I would give just about anything to return to those days, and I think I may have the beginnings of an inkling as to how to achieve my goal.

You may think in the next days that I am cold and unfeeling, or that I simply don't care about your feelings the next time we meet. Truth, when I met you I was a young, kick ass kid. I was looking forward to take on the world, even if I was admittedly a little rough around the edges.

You gave me confidence and made me assert myself, but at the same time I slowly began to compromise who I was for your sake. Your opinion mattered so much that I lost sight of who I was and what I wanted, needed, and felt. No More. I'm finding myself again. I can look myself in the mirror again.

This is pretty useless. You will probably never happen upon this blog, and even if you do, it is unlikely you will know that I wrote it and that this is intended for you. Eventhough, I know this I still felt the need to write this letter. May be one day I will be able to be completely honest with you. May be one day I will be able to put my heart back together again. Regardless of what may happen, just please know that I still love you and I will always have your back even if you don't realize it.

Those we love the most...

2006-09-15T00:02:00.000-05:00

inevitably hurt us most. I know that most people would flip that around, but this view is also true. Someone cannot hurt you if you don't love them. The more you love them, the more power they have to hurt you. Having seen D recently, I've come to believe this little motto to be fact.

No one breaks my heart like that woman. Dismissal and rudeness from her and my heart shatters. I feel like a puppy that is constantly being kicked and has no idea why the kicking is occuring.

To tell the truth, I'm angry. This latest mistreatment was too much. I'm angry at myself for not being able to be angry at her. I'm sure she knows how I feel, which brings me anger as well. Angry at myself for trusting others with my secret. Angry at those that betrayed me.

I guess I should look at the positive side of this mess. I WILL NOT love again. Lesson learned. D is a magnificent teacher. No one will ever hurt me like this again. It is a realization I had already come to, before I was led to believe that love did not have to include pain. I know now that I was a fool to give up on my decision to keep my heart to myself. I won't make the same mistake again, the same goes for giving my trust to others.

"Where were you when the world stopped turning that cold September day?"

2006-09-11T21:03:00.000-05:00

I guess this is the mandatory post on today's anniversary. I'm a fan of commerating things in song. The above Alan Jackson song hits the nail on the head for me. This is the event that my generation will be asked, "Where were you?" in regards too. As our parents had Kennedy and our grandparents Pearl Harbor, we have September 11, 2001 when for a moment the world indeed stopped turning.

Where was I? I was a fifteen year old anxiously awaiting turning sixteen for that coveted Drivers' License. Suddenly, I was a fifteen year old kid participating in a full on rebellion. We sat in 1st period thinking, poor pilot to lose his life to a stupid mistake. 2nd period brought another plane and the Pentagon. 3rd period brought sickening realization and overwhelming fear. 4th period brought rebellion.

Many students had family in the air. I had an uncle in the Pentagon. We were all terrified. Even if family members weren't on our minds, there was no way to not understand the magnitude of this event. There was a general knowledge that the world as we knew it was over.

The principal made the decision along with some teachers that the feed was to upsetting and turned off our classroom tvs. Only two teachers refused the order. We refused with them. People walked out of classes and crammed into those two rooms. Others turned the tvs back on in the other rooms, and turned them on again and again in a silent war of the wills as teachers continuously turned the back off.

We mourned together as a student body, and we rejoiced as that Pennsylvania plane crashed not by the hand of the terrorists, but at the hands of those valiant heroes that chose suicide over allowing themselves to be used as pawns in greater destruction. We cried for those brave souls and lifted up their souls to God for surely He had seen their sacrifice.

Today we still remember. We remember Pennsylvania. We remember Washington, D.C. We remember New York. We will not be defeated. We owe it to each of those over 2,000 souls that went home that day to defeat terror. Cowards die a thousand deaths, the brave but one. We owe it to them to be the brave. May they continue in our prayers and thoughts never being forgotten, and may our motto always be, "Let's roll!"

May God bless your souls and those of your families, and may you rest in peace.

What makes you stay?

2006-09-10T20:59:00.000-05:00

I was listening to a song recently. The first line goes like this, "Look at me I'm in a place I never thought I'd be...I've always been the first to say goodbye, now it's the last thing I can do." The title of the song is "What Makes You Stay?" hence the title of the post.

In the last few days, I have found myself pondering this question. When someone you love is treating you badly, and continuously bringing you pain with their callous treatement, why on Earth do you stay around? All this time, I have not gone anywhere. I continue being here waiting for something to change.

Perhaps it's insanity. It is said that insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Following this definition, to stand here continuing to suffer from being ignored expect for the occasions where direct emotional pain is inflicted, expecting things to return to "normal" is insanity.

I guess denial is also paramount to insanity, but I choose to see things in a slightly more positive manner.

Love is patient, love is kind
It does not envy,
It does not boast,
It is not proud.

It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,
But rejoices with the truth.

It always protects,
Always trusts,
Always hopes,
Always perserveres.

Love never fails.

- Corinthians 13:4-8

This is more true to me than the theory of insanity. When you truly love someone, you forgive all. You will always wait and trust that the truth will eventually come to light. I know that one day things will return to "normal." It keeps me sane. Until that day, I will continue to wait patiently because that is what you do when you love someone, you wait and you forgive. You do this because although there are times when you may want to strangle the one you love, your love will never allow you to feel true anger toward the person. As Corinthians also notes,

"Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Sobriety - Is it really that good a thing?

2006-09-09T21:19:00.000-05:00

What I did last night I have done once before, well sort of. The time before did not involve gut wrenching sobs and nice swollen eyes the next day. Liquor is sometimes the only comfort to be had when your heart feels that it can take no more. A bottle never judges you. It gladly accepts you for who you are and tells you that its okay. The burn as the amber liquid runs down your throat reminds you that you're alive.

As I question whether sobriety is good or not, one may say while you were sober you weren't sobbing your guts out. The way I see it, however, perhaps sobbing my guts out isn't a bad thing. Holding everything in only brings more pain. Pain festers and becomes excrutiating if one does not promptly deal with it. I highly doubt that I would have allowed my emotions to escape me without a little lubrication of the intoxicating variety.

There was a time in my life when I did not let emotions rule me. D taught me to let my guard down, that I didn't always have to hold it in. Flood gates opened for about a year as I got more and more comfortable with this notion of trusting others and leaning on them. Ironically, this which she taught me would lead her to see me as weak and dependent. It would make her walk away from me and our friendship. As time passes, the wound of this departure remains open, but I am learning. Whether the lesson is positive or not, is in the eye of the beholder. I am learning that my initial view of life was correct. To open up and depend on others is way too risky. It is best to succeed and fail on one's own. Then at least you know what went wrong when your world caves in on you.

Sobriety is usually best for this mode of life. In this regard, sobriety really is a good thing. However, when you shut down your emotions sometimes you need a little help letting things out to keep from going crazy. At that point, sobriety becomes bad and drunkeness becomes good. I guess the point of this little rant is, as long as know one else is hurt why don't we try not being judgemental when someone feels the need to drown their pain on occasion? Can we not simply let them forget their sorrow for a little while? They still have to deal with it afterward. Lets just let them unwind and hide beforehand so that they may lick their wounds in private and gain strength for the fight.

1st Meeting

2006-09-08T23:11:00.000-05:00

A few years ago, I walked on to a college campus ready for my new life. Although I had my moments of doubt, I was convinced that I would make it in this great new world. You can rest assured that it was vastly different from the world I had grown up in. I was no where near as confident as I may have appeared walking across campus with that fighting spirit. Then, I met her. We had the same basic interests. I could talk to her about anything and feel completely comfortable. I don't know what happened to me, but it was significant.

Perhaps, I should explain something about this woman. I shall call her D in respect of privacy. D is a vision. She cannot walk into a room without taking it by storm. It does not matter how dark the room, she will inevitably light it brighter than a thousand suns could ever do with that magnificent light she carries with in her. Imagine the effect that this magnificent creature had on a puny little kid. She took a wounded child and created a confident, although still somewhat reclusive, adult that could keep that promise of taking on the world.

How was I to know that I would fall in love like the fool that I am? How was I to know that this magnificent creature would break my heart into billions of pieces and to boot crush those same pieces? How was I to know that the one who built me up and removed the darkness would destroy something inside me and plunge me into even greater darkness than before?