Fear

Plain and simple, I'm scared. I don't know what to do with my life. What's the plan? I got asked yet again today what I'm going to do with my life, and if I'd had the guts to be honest my answer would have been a resounding - I HAVE NO CLUE! NOW DO US BOTH A FAVOR AND LEAVE ME THE F*CK ALONE! I'd love it right now if someone would just clue me in on what exactly happens now. Ten and a half months and I still feel lost. I've always hated the story of Alice in Wonderland but right now I definitely feel like Alice scared, dazed, confused, and very, very, very, extremely lost. Someone explain this to me please. Any and all advice is accepted. I think this is the best place for this because I don't have to seen anyone face to face. Frankly, my emotional state is not one where I can face anyone directly and not rip faces off despite the fact that I'm asking for it.

Learning to Live Again

I burned my hand, I cut my face
Heaven knows how long it's been
Since I've felt so out of place
I'm wonderin' if I'll fit in

Debbie and Charley said they'd be here by nine
And Deb said she might bring a friend
Just my luck, they're right on time
So here I go again

I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see
That learning to live again is killing me

Little cafe, table for four
But there's just conversation for three
I like the way she let me get the door
I wonder what she thinks of me

Debbie just whispered, "You're doin' fine"
And I wish that I felt the same
She's asked me to dance, now her hand's in mine
Oh, my god, I've forgotten her name

But I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see
That learning to live again is killing me

Now here we are beneath her porch light
And I say what a great time it's been
A kiss on the cheek, a whisper goodnight
And I say, "can I see you again"

And she just smiles her best smile
And she laughs like it's going out of style
Looks into my eyes and says, "We'll see"
Oh this learning to live again is killing me
God this learning to live again is killing me

- Garth Brooks

Once upon a time, I fell in love with an angel. She brought a light to my life that one else had ever brought before. Then, out of no where she realized I loved her and she walked away just as quickly as she had entered my life. There's another song that embodies the feeling better than this one called "You're Gone." It says, "The good news is I'm better for the time we spent together, the bad news is you're gone." I chose to blog about this one instead because I think it fully expresses my mentality right now. I feel really weird inside. I'm opening up. I have new friends. Wanted or unwanted, I'm attracting male attention, but my only thought is on her and the fact that I don't want to let go of what little I have left from that wonderful time in my life. I truly feel that "learning to live again" is going to kill me. It definitely doesn't help that she seems to be popping up more and more lately. One of my new coworkers has her name, both first and last. If I find out they share a middle name, I'm going to just go ahead and quit while I'm ahead. The last three times I've voice dialed the phone has gone to her name instead of the person I intended. And I've had the creepy feeling in my gut that I'm about to be blindsided. I'm hoping it will be quick and painless. Plain and simple I miss her eventhough I know I shouldn't. I have a million rational, well thought out reasons not to want her anywhere with in a hundered feet of me, but I still want to know that she's okay. If only there was a way to know that and still be far away and under the radar.

Failure

Never before have I felt like such a complete and utter failure. Everything is up in the air including my very future and I don't know how to deal with it. There are too many decisions to be made. I'm not built to deal with this stuff. I'm beginning to think that maybe D was right all along. I am weak. I am vulnerable.

To some this may not mean anything. To me it does. I was brought up to believe that weakness is the worst quality you can have. I don't know about anything anymore. I just want everything to be "normal" again. I want to know who I am, I want to know the truth. Unfortunately, the truth refuses to reveal itself. Right now my honest inclination is just to quit.

Moments

There are moments in life that are just to significant not to note, but also so significant that they are impossible to place an emotion on.

Tonight, I had the unexpected opportunity to spend some time with D. and some friends. The world didn't crash down around me. I was in no way expecting her to be there, and was terrified when I suddenly found myself in this situation. I even text message a friend to call me. I was hoping the call would give me an opportunity to escape.

I think I was even more scared because the last few days I felt so much better. I've been at peace and have really had the resolve to not allow the hope of her return to paralyse my life. I was scared that having her there would make my resolve crumble. The amazing thing is it didn't. She was just as fake and shut off as she's been for the last half a year, and I have not shed a tear. I haven't even had the urge to cry.

I will welcome her with open arms if she comes back, but I will no longer spend every moment allowing her to control me through her little whims.

Alcohol and Broken Hearts

All I shall say about this past weekend, is it involved a great deal of alcohol. (I promise there is a valid reason this happened.) Sobriety brings realization. This weekend I ached as I knew I would. There was a bittersweet tinge to hearing from you know who, but I think I needed it. I'm not ready to give up hope yet, but I do think I've hit the point where I'm pretty sure (I won't say 100% lest I jinx it) where I won't jump everytime the phone rings thinking it may her.

This morning after warning my grandmother (Long Story and few would understand), I actually turned off my phone. I kept it off until about six o'clock. The world did not come to an arupt halt, and I can proudly say that when I turned it back on, I did not frantically search missed calls just in case she had called while it was off.

I'm not sure at what point this happened. Friday night I thought I may find myself having to face her and was freaking out, later on that night I even cried. Then somehow, I was able to turn off my phone today.

I guess I've just hit the point where I feel like focusing on what I do have and not on what I don't. As the song says, "I'm going to smile my best smile, and I'm going to laugh like it's going out of style." I have to continue living. I cannot let myself deprive myself of pleasure. It is not a betrayal to enjoy the company of others. I'm the one that got dumped by the waste side, and I need to pull myself back together.

Hope remains, but I will no longer allow that hope to paralyze me.

Dilemma

I find myself in a bit of a dilemma at the moment. It of course involves D. Since the falling out, I have done my best to leave her alone as much as possible except for the occasional moment of weakness or for special occasions. However, at the moment it is very hard not to pick up the phone and call her.

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I need to call her. I can't shake the feeling that she is somehow in trouble or going through something and that she needs me. (You may be thinking she'd call YOU if she NEEDED you, but the woman has just as much pride if not more than I do. It would take an act of God for this to occur.) At the same time, I don't feel like being socked in the gut again. (She can get rather cranky at times.)

A mutual friend has reinforced for me the need to just leave it alone more than once. He assures me that the day that she realizes that the people she's pushed out of her life are the people that have loved and still love her most, the people that although annoyed and irritated by her behavior will love her forever, she will come back. This resounds with what I have reasoned out to be the best course of action. The problem is this - MY GUT.

When this all started, I knew deep down inside that something was wrong. I allowed the well reasoned arguments of others to convince me that I was overreacting, that nothing was wrong. Something quite obviously was wrong. Part of me can't help but wonder if everything would be okay now if I had just listened to my instincts again.

What if this is God giving me what I've prayed for? (Not that she'd be in trouble, but that I'd have the opportunity to get her back in my life.) What if I blow it by letting reason convince me not to say anything to her? What if I'm supposed to pick up the phone? What if I'm supposed to send that E-mail? What if I don't and I lose the one chance to get one of the best friends God has ever blessed me with back?

Another friend and I discussed fate vs. free will the other day. Are things destined to be or do we determine them through free willed actions? My take has always been that they work together. Fate is the right opportunity at the right time. Free will taking adavantage of said opportunity. I told my friend the lottery ticket story to illustrate my point:

A man really wanted to win the lottery. He could do a world of good and help a ton of people with the money. He prayed for the opportunity every night and never won the lottery. Upon his death, he asked God why he hadn't one the lottery. God's response was, "Son, you never bought a lottery ticket."

That's my worry now. Is this my opportunity? Am I blowing it? Is contacting her right now like buying that lottery ticket?

I just don't know what to do. Do I call her or do I continue to just leave her alone and hope that she comes to me?

Darkness

I can feel it setting in, slowly creeping towards me. I'm afraid, but I'm also proud. I don't want to admit my fear to anyone. What good does it do? All it does is make people run away from you. Even the people who promised to always be there, the people that said they loved you run when the going appears to be getting tough.

I went for ice cream today. Of course this would be where avoidance becomes impossible. Pulling into the parking lot - her car. I'm glad I didn't see her. Just knowing she was near brought me pain, I don't think I would have been able to handle having her in front of me without losing it.

Why do people do that? What joy can be brought by watching another person suffer? By knowing that you are inflicting pain on another human being? People fear the dark. They run when they see you struggling, but they definitely come just close enough to kick you in the gut every chance they get.

I don't understand things anymore. I guess I finally understand what the word tired truly means.